Beautiful Things

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Lyrics to "Beautiful Things" by Gungor

This song has been on my mind, my heart, my ipod for days and days now.  I love it.  What is interesting is that, in the past, if I had listened to this song, I might have been very sad, listening through tears, but clinging to the words with hope, that God could make something beautiful out of me.

You see, I have been in a deep pit of depression.  Even with Jesus in my heart, I found myself in a dark, lonely place.  And after many failed attempts to “get out there” to try to connect with other moms of young children, I came to believe every other mom already had all the friends she needed, and my personality just wouldn’t allow me to jump into an established group of friends.  So I isolated myself further.

God, in his mercy, decided to save me from my own self-pity and self-loathing, and that dark place.   He gave me MOPS.  I never got to experience MOPS as just an attendee.  But as I looked into this ministry, I realized the opportunity it provides for moms to connect could have saved me from the pain and loneliness I had endured.  I was determined to provide this opportunity for other moms, because I knew there had to be others like me in this community.

God used MOPS to change my life.  Not as a mom, but as a leader.  I discovered my true joy was not going to come in the form of a BFF with the same aged kids and the same hobbies and the same parenting views (which is what I desperately wanted).  But my true joy came when I looked beyond myself, and served God by serving others.

So I listen to this song with a smile on my face, and tears of joy welling up.  Because I am so, so thankful God made me new and made a beautiful thing out of me.

It has been my privilege and my honor to serve you in College Heights MOPS.

Amber

Change, Part 2

You are so right, Contessa, it is time to continue. Thank you for that little kick in the booty! Sometimes I have so much in my head and I know I can't write it all. So, I have been trying to figure out exactly what I want to say about change, what should be said about the changes that prompted this post, and how to say it best so that the reader doesn't click the dreaded x after the first paragraph!

Towards the end of the MOPS year, we (leadership) always start thinking about the following year and there are always changes to be dealt with. Pretty normal. So I was confident as I prepared to "coach" my team through change. And then I learned of some more changes that will be taking place in this ministry that is a big part of my life.

I'll give you a personal example. I've been living in the same community for a long time. Much longer than I anticipated living somewhere as an adult, when I was a youth. The thought of moving is quite exciting to me. Certainly not the packing and unpacking part, but starting fresh somewhere new and experiencing another part of God's great earth is a thrilling idea. I just love to travel and want to see and experience this entire world. Living in Alaska on a teacher's salary for a family of 7 can make you pretty "stuck". Before you start spreading any rumors, there is no moving in our near future that we can see. But that would be a huge change. A change that many would hate but, to me, sounds exciting.

On the other hand, some changes are harder for me to accept. Such as opening up my blog after 17 days away from it and finding everything different. Or when an organization I have been involved with for several years decide to change their terminology. Why? I thought it was all working pretty well the way it was!

The truth is, when I wanted to start writing about "change", I didn't know what changes were going to take place (other than having a baby!). But I knew changes were coming and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Fearful would probably be the most accurate word. And if you are wondering just what I am referring to, it is MOPS, because, next to my family, MOPS has been the biggest and most important thing in my life since becoming an adult. There's too much history to tell there, but oh, how I wish I could! If you want to learn more, you can find snippets on this blog by typing in the word MOPS in the search bar. I've tried to tag them all...

Back to the changes....I knew I was having a baby and I knew I wanted to be able focus more on this precious gift when he/she arrives. Really, truly enjoy and savor all it. (In case you haven't guessed, I am trying to convince myself to be done having babies.) But MOPS holds a big part of my heart and I wasn't willing to just let it disappear. There are a small group of committed leaders ready to go for next year and I couldn't just drop them. Not only that, but this community is FULL of young mothers of preschoolers looking to connect with other moms. When I see them, I see myself 5,6,7 years ago and the dark, lonely place I was in. Unfortunately, there is no interest in leadership from within my church. So, a bit reluctantly, I committed to Coordinate again. I was so thankful for a precious mom/leader/friend on my team who said she is willing to help in whatever capacity I would like, as an assistant coordinator.

But God was still nagging me and I knew in my heart that something was not right with the plans I was making. It was at this point that He planted the idea in my mind of the possibility of MOPS not ending, but moving. I began to pray about this scenario. I had to process the idea of "letting go" of MOPS, essentially. But it has never been about me, it has always been about God and he gave me a peace about this idea so quickly. I approach my friend about this idea God has placed in my heart and it is no surprise that she has already considered this scenario. I just love the way God works. :) Now there were two of us praying. In the meantime, it becomes very clear to me that MOPS is supposed to end at my church, regardless of whether another church is ready and willing to take it on. So I make that call. It was still hard to make and I dragged my feet for more days than I should have...

But as soon as I did, the peace and joy that comes with knowing I am within the will of God just washed over me. It's such a good feeling. And almost immediately God started showing me why I needed this change and some ideas of what I will be focusing on (for the short term, anyways).

We are still praying for another church in this community to be ready to support a MOPS group. And if God provides a church, then I will still be involved for at least a year to help with a smooth transition (assuming the coordinator wants that ;). And I have no intention of quitting my Field Leadership anytime soon. I have such a passion for this ministry and the way it can change lives. And I love being a part of something greater than myself in my own little world. God really uses MOPS to change lives. He used it to change me. For the better, I might add!

Ch.Ch.Ch.Ch.Changes!

Just click on that title if you need to hear that song like I did.

Okay, seriously, people, I have been working up this post since last Tuesday. For starters, I apologize for my absence. One of my goals for the year was to write at least one post per month and I failed! While I managed to get some in there during my terrible morning sickness stage, March just got away from me. My husband commented to me the other day, "I haven't seen any blog posts lately." To which I replied, "can you give me a prompt?" :)

Anyways, it wasn't long after that little conversation that life provided it's own prompt and that is really what my writing is all about. So, I came to my blog and titled my post "Changes". And it sat there. For almost a week. Because I really couldn't work up what I wanted to say about change. And all the while that silly song has been stuck in my head! Especially on the nights that I forget to take something to help me sleep. So tonight I decided I had to write something or just write it off. And it started with a change to the title.

And here's what really prompted this post. How we respond to change.

Most of us probably (as mature adults) face change with some excitement and some trepidation. And most of us, if we honestly consider the issue, lean more strongly towards one side of the pendulum or the other. We relish change or we abhor it. And then many of us, when we consider the issue of change more deeply, would say there are some areas of our life that change is okay and good and then there are other areas of our life that we really don't want to see any change in. This is all sounding a bit wishy washy isn't it?

Unfortunately, this is going to have to be continued! I have got to get to bed, but I determined that I would post at least something in this post that started in my mind almost a week ago. I apologize for the fragmentation, but I decided it was tonight or never....

Dear Receptionist at the Doctor's Office,

I don't know you. But we've been seeing each other for almost 10 years now. I used to think you were super-nice and I never had any anxiety about coming in or calling. But over the last few years I've sensed a change. I get a negative vibe from you. Your niceness does not seem genuine and I actually feel despised by you. I don't look forward to coming in anymore and I get anxious when I have to call. I don't like to be disliked. I don't know why you would dislike me. But my feeling is that you despise me for my kids being on Denali Kid Care and my having more babies.

My husband is a teacher. I believe it is a noble profession. He has all kinds of degrees and training. And he is brilliant. He could do ANYthing he wanted and make more income. But he believes in what he is doing. My husband has a strong moral character and a conviction about what he does. Kids are not going to skate through his class and students and parents often come back and thank him for his efforts. Recently, a former high school student wrote my husband, thanking him profusely, and telling him he didn't know how he would have turned out if my husband hadn't kept him on the right track in school. He said all the young couples he and his wife went to school with are partying or constantly in trouble with the law for illegal substance abuse. This feedback keeps him going. He personally invests himself in his students.

We believe in a big family. We love our children. We agreed from the beginning that you can't wait on perfect circumstances or financial situations to have children. God has always provided. Part of that provision is Denali Kid Care. It is a sad thing that a teacher with tenure can still qualify for for state health assistance. Not all public teachers are great, but I would say most that I know go into the profession because they feel called to it. They put in more hours and effort than they are financially compensated for. Their families sacrifice. As a product of one such teacher, I would know.

So, dear Receptionist, whether or not you are really thinking that, I hope that you aren't judging people for having kids when they "can't afford them". I promise I'll stop having kids one of these days and maybe someday my husband will get paid enough that we don't qualify for Denali. But as long as we do, I need to take advantage of it.

sick of being sick.

I just need to vent a little. This is a hard time for me. It's quite silly, but I just really did not expect to be hit so hard with morning sickness this time around. With Carson I was so sick and each successive pregnancy has been a little better. So, I really wasn't expecting this. I am just worthless around here. My poor kids! I went from feeding them these ultra healthy meals and trading the breakfast cereal for eggs and oatmeal to making them eat cereal for every meal. Matt has been gone to negotiating meetings almost every night. The worst time of day is when I need to figure out dinner. The counters are all covered with dishes. The dishwasher is full. The smell of food cooking makes me sick. The end.

Pregnancy....blah!

Well, things have gotten progressively worse over the last several days! I could now be the poster child for the Junk Food Challenge, as I've pretty much gone 180* with my eating! I have managed to get over the guilt because the alternative is to be sick all the time and starve altogether and also let my family go hungry. We will get through this trying time. I just hope I am able to go back to eating healthy again without much struggle. Right now, everything that I was eating and everything that I should be eating makes me want to gag when I think about it. I also have no energy to cook and a killer headache that ruins everything.

It's unfortunate, I was hoping this pregnancy would be different. I had dreams about working out all the way through and eating right and not gaining much weight at all. Then my life would just go on post-partum, I could enjoy my baby and not worry about getting back in shape. Ha! What's happened in the past is I've been so sick in the beginning that I have to stop working out, then I am too exhausted to get back into it and of course I just eat whatever I can at first and then whatever I want later. Makes for a lot of work to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans!

So, it's time for me to go to bed and get some rest, but I don't want to, because I am really dreading the morning!

A Bun in the Oven and the End of My Challenge

So, I was pretty certain I was pregnant when I started my challenge. I felt fantastic up until day 23 and then the all day nausea set in. I have been working out with increasing intensity 6 days a week throughout this challenge. Five of those workouts take place at 5:15 am. On day 23, after working out, I was so nauseated I didn't know what to do because the quick and easy things to eat are definitely not whole30 approved. In my past pregnancies, I practically lived on cereal. I was thinking that maybe the foods I had eliminated were going to keep me from experiencing morning sickness, because I have read so many stories of primal/paleo women who don't. So that was an exciting thought. But no. I now have the nausea, the headaches, the exhaustion, everything. So I have to figure out how to keep myself from being sick without eating all the carbs that I crave.

Today's lunch.

I have been pretty much living on eggs the last few days. It's one of the few things that appeal to me. This morning I ate a small bowl of rice chex before working out and then went on with my regular routine of working out, showering, getting ready - before making the eggs. And since my challenge is over, I cooked them in butter and added my conventional bacon! Yum! It worked well and I managed to have a great workout still and not feel like I am going to pass out with nausea afterward. So, I guess I will allow myself this grain "cheat" until this nausea goes away!

Update on our dinners the last few nights. The turkey chili went over great with the kids. Matt didn't care for it as much. I liked it, but not as well as beef chili. The kids were surprised when I told them there was squash in it! The curry pork was a fail in my family's book. I love curry. They don't. But I didn't love the pork. Too dry. Tonight was my favorite, beef vegetable soup. I could live on this stuff. I don't know if I would ever get sick of it. :)

Here's some challenge stats for you:

weight lost in 23 days - 8 pounds

inches lost - 2 on belly, 1.5 on hips

Here's some baby stats: baby number 5 due September 2012!

ps - Some people just can't stand not knowing if a baby is "planned" or not, especially once you get past number 3. I think it's an inappropriate question, really, unless it is coming from a very close friend. Whether or not we planned this baby, God certainly did! But yes, this is something we wanted. The anticipation is almost unbearable! We are thrilled!