Thursday, December 8, 2011

You are my sunshine...

Something really cool just happened.

It's no secret that I struggle with our winters. That is where God has me right now. I am transparent. I used to wear masks and will no longer do so. I pray, pray, pray that God will use me, somehow, to bring him glory.

So for me, without exception, sun=happy. No sun = no happy, no energy, no motivation, the list goes on. I never used to be such a wimp, but I seem to have no control over the fact that each year the affect on me worsens.

Before you come to me with all your suggested solutions, please know that I have tried/am trying everything. Even prescription medication. I will continue to seek God's direction as I pursue an answer. That is not the point of this post.

This morning was really rough on me. I don't know why. Other than the fact that I haven't followed my morning routine of working out. I have been struggling to get out of bed. Then I've been getting sidetracked by the computer instead of taking care of morning chores and my children. Then I am frazzled when it's time to leave for the bus and inevitably yelling ensues before everyone is actually in the car. So that makes me feel yucky.

And I have been reading post after post of these amazing Godly women (who also happen to be amazing writers) and how they "do" Christmas in their family. And basically it's been making me feel like a really bad person. I am now struggling with what is the right thing to do in our home, with my family.

So all morning I am feeling yucky - in my mind, heart, and body. There is no sun. I haven't worked out. I am eating like crap. I am a terrible person.

I have no peace. I realize I cannot have peace because I have not been in the presence of God. For DAYS. It's kind of like working out - the longer you go not doing it, the easier it is to continue not doing it (or the harder to get back in the habit). I have been feeling ashamed about it (every time the alarm on my phone goes off that is the time I "scheduled" to be with God each day) and afraid to face him.

I make the kids lunch (this is big) and consciously make the decision to sit and interact with them while they are eating rather than wait it out reading facebook or another important blog. Then I think I might feel better about myself if I read to them before Oliver's nap. So we read 3 books. Then I walk with Ollie up to bed and he asks me to lay down with him. I do (a task I usually avoid). He fell asleep right before my very eyes. Within a couple of minutes. It was beautiful. Then I come down and I don't hear Hallie, so I assume she is in the basement playing. But then I hear her on the couch and I ask her what she is doing and she says she is going to take a nap. She is asleep in less than 5 minutes. God put my children to sleep, my friends. (The dog also went to sleep, by the way.) I turn off the Christmas music and there is complete silence. Another form of peace.

So, I get out my Bible and Bible study and guess what the topic for this day was? God's peace. Here's one verse that really stood out:
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Then I am spending a lot of time apologizing and begging God to "take me back", basically. There are many tears spilled as I am crying out to God, asking him to allow me into his presence, pleading with him to wash over me and show me how to live in this place and be in the center of his will. And I am just sitting there, at the table with my Bible, unsure what to do, but unwilling to move on without something more.

And that's when it happened. The clouds parted in this one little spot and the glorious sunshine broke through and landed right on me at that table. Everywhere else is gray and clouds, but at that moment there is sunlight, streaming through, right onto me. And then, let me tell you, the floodgates opened and the tears were full on sobbing. Why does God love me so? I am so undeserving.

God has restored my peace. And I have GOT to stop comparing myself to other people and focus on what God wants. And most importantly, I have got to remain in His presence if I want His peace.

I love you, friends.